She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
