I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
I think I just sharted jello shots
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