Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
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