Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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