bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
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