my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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