I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
The ass gains better be worth it
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