Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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