i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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