He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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