If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Randomize
