did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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