Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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