i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
I woke up under a house in Key West
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
