Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
