Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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