I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
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