I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Two words: nipple clamps
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