My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Randomize
