so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
my being single is dangerous.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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