last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize
