brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
