my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
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