Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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