Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
