In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
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