gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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