I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
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