Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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