This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
