Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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