I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
