I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
