Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
