I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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