I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Randomize
