I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
