So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
