Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
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