Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
