He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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