Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
