You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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