My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
you never un-have a 4some
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Randomize
