Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
