I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
