I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize
