he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Randomize
