rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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