question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
