Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
