Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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