I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Randomize
