is your mom at the bar?
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Randomize
