The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
